No for now...

The title of this post seems to be our life theme right now and has been for the last 5 years. There is so much we want to be doing, but it's always "no for now". I am adjusting to this. Not that I am giving up the fight, but as Christians, we should try to be content in all circumstances. Boy is that hard to type. It's even harder to do. I have just been so restless lately. So, I have had to work extra hard at keeping the right focus and trying to find some form of contentment. I have thought a lot about what true contentment looks like. Is it that you don't yearn for health or for a different stage of life? Is it liking where you are even when there is a lot of pain, hurt and frustration? Is it coming to grips that life might not ever change and being okay with that? I actually don't really know the answers to any of these questions. I have thought about them quite a bit. Maybe, it is just an act of surrender to God's will and not needing an answer to "why" we are in our current plight. I tend to use the word "why" a lot. Maybe, contentment is not letting that little word be a part of my vocabulary. I think that is probably a start and something that I need to work on big time. :) It would help me a lot of this word could be removed from the English vocabulary; however, I would probably find other clever ways to ask the same question (as I often do, lol).

I know I had written in my last blog post that I wouldn't be able to write until the weekend, but I have about 30 more minutes until I take my next set of pills, so I thought I would tell you what happened with the job.

As of last Friday, I was one of the top finalists. Earlier that day, I had written her after talking to her assistant about the position and had asked her to please give me a time frame that she wanted me to learn this 171 page document about pharmacy careers (she is a pharmacy recruiter and I would have been her assistant). I explained that over the weekend I was writing the findings part of my grad report, so I was going to be pretty busy and wanted to plan ahead. When she wrote me that night to tell me that I was one of the finalists, she never said a word about it. I thought that maybe she had decided against having me to do this before an official job offer; however, I was wrong.

On Sunday night, I get an e-mail pretty late that she wanted to meet and discuss the document in less than 24 hours. I was pretty blown. That is A LOT of material to learn at the last minute. Also, she sent me a long questionnaire that asked me to rate on a scale of 1 to 4 of what I am good at in the area of marketing and recruiting. Honestly, I have had no experience with like 3/4 of the line items. Needless to say, I was a little overwhelmed with the whole thing. It made me once again doubt whether this job was for me since it was so out of my realm of expertise. I have been in a job like that before, and it about killed me. I felt like I was always fighting an uphill battle. So, you can see why I had so much hesitation and kept wavering on my decision. I had been uneasy about the job until I talked to her current assistant last Friday. We totally hit it off, and with how she described the job, I knew that I could do it and would enjoy it. However, once I got this questionnaire, I was unsure once again.

On Monday morning, I went ahead and scheduled our meeting for that evening. I had an NAET appt. in the morning, so I spent my entire drive praying that God would give me direction on whether or not I should keep pursuing this job. I am definitely unhappy in my current position and making NO money (tomorrow I have 2 students and will make $4 in 3 hours...pathetic huh!!). I think that is what kept me pressing on at every turn. When I got home, I still hadn't heard a clear answer from the Lord yet, so I dove into the material. I had worked so hard to get this job up until this point. It was a pretty insane interview process. So, I pressed on. After 3 hours, I was on page 110. I only had 70 pages to go, but God made it as clear as day that this job was not for me. It wasn't like I didn't find the material interesting, I did. I just knew this job was not for me. God spoke to me on page 110. :)

So, I e-mailed her and withdrew from the process. It was really hard for me to do because work-at-home jobs are extremely hard to come by. I also knew that I was one of the top people for the position. However, as I looked at how much marketing and recruiting she wanted me to do. I knew that a job in which I would have to "sell" the business was not something I would enjoy doing on a daily basis. I think it would have been really hard for me to do because I hate forcing people or persuading people to do things. She did write me back later and said to stay in touch because she saw potential and would consider me for another position if I changed my mind or if they had a position that fit me better in the future. So, I think it would have been mine, but I have a peace that I did the right thing.

So, back to square one. I did our long-term budget tonight (always a mistake, lol), and I REALLY need to find a new job. I think I am at a point where I may not feel the best, but I can ignore my symptoms enough to work as long as I can do it from home. So, I would appreciate your prayers for my continued job search. I would love to find an administrative, teaching, training or management job that I could do virtually. I would be absolutely happy in any of those positions. However, the competition is fierce. I have applied for some customer service jobs too, but since I am 3 months from an MA degree, Brian thinks I get passed up because I am over qualified. He is sweet, but I am not sure if that's the case, lol. :)

Well, I will quit rambling. If you could just be praying that God would open a door for better employment, I would greatly appreciate it. Treatment this week is going fine. I am achy and tired, but okay. We have been trying to not turn on our AC yet. I did okay over the weekend, but my autonomic nervous system freaked out today after I started treatment. I had some pretty bad symptoms, so we realized that my body doesn't tolerate the heat as well during my treatment days. So, we will have to save money by being warmer on the weekends. Please be praying my autonomic nervous system would calm back down. It seems like once it's set off, we often go on a not-so-fun tailspin. :P It's been a rough evening, but I am hoping things will reset while I sleep. Have a great rest of the week!