Lay it all out...

Well, it was another night of only 3 hours of sleep. This time, instead of fighting it, I decided to watch some movies. I had a much better time than stressing because I am so tired, and knowing my body needs sleep, but it just won't. The good news is that once again, by Sunday evening this past week, I was sleeping through the night and the pattern continued until Friday. That is a gift, so I hopefully it will continue. Thank you for your prayers!!

Brian actually had to go to Phoenix on a last-minute business trip on Thursday morning. So, it was just Toby and I for about 24 hours. We made it! :) That probably seems dumb, but I was taking the evil drug (Rifampin) which brings some terrible side effects. However, I was able to successfully make it through the whole time without having anything scary happen. That was a blessing since Brian was a couple of hours away. We think the next time he has a trip is a 4 day training session in June. The longer periods that he is away are harder. Can you imagine all the prep that has to be done before he leaves? I can't really leave my house and definitely can't cook my own food at this point (I react to the food cooking) and go shopping if I need something...lots of planning ahead. However, I have one AMAZING husband who takes care of me so well. I don't know what I'd do without Him, and I am one thankful wife. Jesus definitely knew what kind of man of God I needed when He handpicked Brian to be my husband. Thank you Lord!

There has been a couple of times where I have been pretty vulnerable on this blog. It's always hard for me to do since I am a people-pleaser by nature. :) I always think that everyone wants to read those "encouraging posts." So, I need to do my best to fulfill those wishes. :) However, my life is always touched by the blogs that I read where I see the struggle and then the triumph through the Lord. Hopefully, this will minister to others or at least let you know that you are not alone as you battle!

The last couple of days have been pretty difficult. I wouldn't say I have had an over abundance of horrible symptoms, but maybe that makes it worse. I still feel sick, but not sick enough to keep me from thinking or more like stewing. :P I think it was a combination of things. I am turning 31 tomorrow, and it's hard to look at our life and see how different it is from what we assumed it would be. Brian and I had always been the couple who wanted kids pretty quick after we got married. We were both teachers and taught the 3 and 4 year old Sunday School class when we were dating. We loved hanging out with the families that had kids at our church. Children brought so much joy to our lives. Sometimes, we would take our friends' kids to a movie or out to eat just for fun! I always felt like I was made for teaching and to be a Mom; however, life took an unexpected turn and now we are here. I am getting older by the day and still sick. Also, we have that decision to make if I do get well whether we want to take that chance of possibly passing on Lyme and all the co-infections to our children. It's a lot to swallow.

Along with those thoughts, I had to deal with my "every six-week" break down where I am just sick and tired of being sick and tired. I am thankful to be off of IV for now and it seems like the oral zith is keeping me stable. Praise the Lord! It's nice to not have the stress of IVs and all the risks that are associated with them. However, we just still are not seeing any gains. Social media is great, but it's hard when you don't see that many people getting well. I did see one girl this week, but she is on a different treatment plan than I am. So, that makes you wonder if you are on the right treatment path. I wish I could tolerate more supplements and herbs. I think we would take the more natural route than the antibiotic route, but so far, I react to all the natural stuff. So, we are stuck on this path for awhile. We are desperately praying and hoping to make some headway or at least see a little glimmer of hope, but so far, we haven't seen it yet.

On top of all that, as I said in my last post, I am just not making enough money at my job. Well, I am on the job hunt for something I can do out of my home, but that makes me worried as to whether or not I will be able to handle something new. The stress of learning a new job and also making it through the interview process with feeling sick and also not always making sense when I talk is a little overwhelming. I think I just struggle so much because I know that I was made to teach. I am good at that, but there just isn't anything out there. So, I am stuck finding at-home jobs that are pretty much non-related. I need to be able to work and make a decent living because Brian and I are in debt up to our eyeballs from medical expenses, but it looks like God just hasn't opened that door yet. As of Friday morning, I had applied to about 10 jobs in the last two weeks and hadn't heard a word from any of them. I am definitely over qualified with my grad degree and all of my work experience for most of them. However, I hadn't heard a peep. Now, I know the economy is bad and a lot of people are searching for work, so I shouldn't expect more, but it just added onto my frustrations for the week. We also found out that we might have a possible looming insurance disaster on our hands.

So, to explain my title...on Friday morning, I just broke. I had one of those "heart to heart" venting sessions with God. In the last year, it has been an uphill battle to fight to "keep the faith" when everything looks so dark around us all the time. It seems when Brian and I start to make some headway, we just get knocked down again. Not the, oh we hit a little bump in the road...nope it's usually like everything crashes around us. I really don't know why the enemy thinks we are so special to always want to hit us from every side, but boy oh boy is the battle real. I spent time Friday just pouring my heart out before the Lord and crying my eyes out. I kept listening to the song that I posted last week by Laura Story called "Blessings". It just hits home on so many levels. That song describes our journey exactly. All of our feelings, thoughts, and struggles are described in those lyrics. I praise God for that song! I didn't have any "ah-ha" moments during my venting time, but it was just good to be honest with the Lord about my feelings. I think I try to hold everything in and have the "good Christian attitude" all the time because that is what I am supposed to do. However, our Lord is real and He wants us to come to him with everything even if it's to express anger and frustration. I did feel a lot better after journaling and reading the word. A verse that stuck out to me was...

"BE MERCIFUL and gracious to me, O God, be merciful and gracious to me, for my soul takes refuge and finds shelter and confidence in You; yes, in the shadow of Your wings will I take refuge and be confident until calamities and destructive storms are passed. I will cry to God Most High, Who performs on my behalf and rewards me [who brings to pass His purposes for me and surely completes them]!" ~Psalm 57:1-2 Amplified Bible

I have to tell you that later that day, I did receive 2 requests for job interviews and also an e-mail I had been waiting on from my current boss who said she could train me for another tutoring program so I can get more hours. So, God was listening, and I saw His "blessings" unfold before my eyes.

I don't want this post to be a discouragement. I want it to encourage you to know that we serve a God who cares about all of our feelings, not just the good ones. So, no matter what you are going through, run to God. Seek Him first, and I pray with all of my heart that His "blessings" will abound.

I am going to post the song that I talked about last week again. It has been my lifeline this week. It has helped me to hold on, when I just wanted to give up. Remember, to listen to the song, you will need to push pause on my blog music player on the bottom of my page. Thank you for walking this journey with us. May God touch your life in a real way this week.