Re-Entry :)

Hello! I have a huge graduate assignment to work on, but as you can see, I would rather write a blog post. :) These are much more fun! I actually turned in my graduate portfolio last week. I should hear back within a week to see if I need to make any changes. I have one huge assignment left for my graduate degree. I thought I was going to have to do 3, but my professor changed our syllabus! I was shocked, and so relieved as the other 2 assignments were going to be awful. I am so excited to be done! I can't believe that I made it through Lyme treatment and came out with a graduate degree on the other side! :)

Brian's CPA exam on Friday went good. He said it was hard. He also stated that there really isn't a way to tell if he passed or not. I am sure he did though. The way they calculate the final score is by measuring you against the other people who took the test at the same time. So, it's impossible to know whether you answered enough questions to get a passing grade since you don't know how the others did. We should find out in about 6 to 8 weeks. Brian's good at waiting, but I am not. :)

Well, big news for today.....We went to church!!!!! We attended for the first time in 5 years. I can't put into words how wonderful it was to worship in a corporate setting. I successfully stayed in the building the whole time. God is so good! We have been waiting so long for this moment. My health has improved quite a bit. I wouldn't say I am functioning at 100%, but for now, it's at a point where I can push through when I don't feel great. I didn't have any reactions while I was there, but I haven't felt the greatest since I've been home. I can tell it taxed my system, but it was SO worth it. We will continue to try to attend regularly unless it causes me to backslide too much. We praise the Lord for this step! It means the world to us. The church service was amazing, and we are really looking forward to the time where Brian can get back into playing on a worship team, and I can start helping out with the children's ministry and/or attend a women's bible study. All in God's timing!

I named the title of this post "Re-entry" because I think this is something that people don't often think about when someone has been ill for so long. However, it's something very real especially when you have had to deal with such a long-term isolating illness. As I was standing in the sanctuary today, it was a surreal experience. I looked around me and saw everyone worshiping. It was so great to be able to participate for the first time in so long. However, at the same time, it was a little difficult to be out and about like nothing happened. We walked into church where we hardly knew anyone, and with us, we carry remnants of the battle we have fought for the last 5 years. Personally, I have always been a VERY outgoing person. Anyone who knows me knows that I am usually the first one to go up and talk to new people, and I love interacting with everyone. However, as I stood there this morning, I found myself wanting to hang back, not really wanting anyone to notice me and actually being a little shy. I was kind of shocked because this is SO not my natural personality.

Many people who suffer long-term illnesses, especially those with Lyme Disease who have usually gone years being ill without a diagnosis, go through an adjustment period when they re-enter the world. Some say it's almost like PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). I would have to agree. Before we treated for Bartonella, I had horrible anxiety when I went places. Now that we have that infection in my brain under control, my re-entry issue is more shyness than anything. I know that's not a bad thing, but I think it bothers me because I know it's not me! I am not a naturally shy person. I am sure things will get better with time. I think it was just a shock to see my reaction.

Another area that I struggle a bit when thinking about re-entry is celebrating the positive steps forward when you have been through so much trauma. I know that seems like a no-brainer, but it's actually quite difficult. For years, it seemed like we had disappointment after disappointment and trial after trial. Now, I am always looking behind me wondering if this might just be a glimpse of positive change instead of a permanent change. I guess I just expect that things will go backwards. I know that is not necessarily what will happen, and that is not faith. However, that is how I protect my heart from disappointment when and if the other shoe does drop. I know that should not be my attitude. Brian keeps me accountable when I start second guessing our gains. :) Again, I think it will just take time to heal.

I am not saying I am not thrilled and excited about this giant break-through. Boy, I am. I just want to be honest about the emotions that I am going through as I re-enter after being isolated for so long. I pray with all my heart that this is permanent and that things will just keep improving. God, can and is able to do it! We have the Great Physician working on our team, and it's our hope and prayer that in a few months I can report that I am regularly attending a women's bible study along with participating in other ministries. We are taking things slow to see what my body can handle, but we are celebrating each step forward which is definitely a gift from above.

So, as we take these baby steps and our world opens up, please be praying for us. Pray for emotional healing along with continued physical healing. Please also pray that our successes will continue. We are so excited to think that this may be the start of us being out in the world again! Blessings to you my friends!