Faith-Stretching Prayer

I have thought about what kind of post this might be for the last couple of days, but really have not had any kind of revelation. There are a lot of things going through my Lyme brain (which sometimes is a bit scary, lol), but I don't know what to say or maybe even how to eloquently put it down on paper. I am going to try though in hopes that it will help others who are struggling with this very thing.

Before I give you our update, I want to share something with you that up until I started typing tonight for this blog post, I wasn't sure if I would even share it. However, a blog is supposed to be a place where you can share your feelings, ideas and thoughts. Sometimes, I think I hold back a bit because I am nervous about what my readers will think, and I am not totally sure who is reading it. :) However, when I read other's blogs, the people I learn the most from and the ones that touch my heart are the blogs where the writers provide an open window into their struggles, trials, celebrations and achievements. So, here it goes...are you ready? :)

For awhile now, Brian and I have been thinking, praying, thinking, praying and thinking some more about whether or not we should go and have people pray over me. You might think this is a really easy decision..."why not", "give it a chance"..."you have nothing to lose" right? Well, you are right in some ways, but let me share with you a story so you know why we wanted to "pray and think about it" before taking any action.

When I first got sick in December of 2005, we were in crisis mode with full assurance that we would be out in a couple of months. That's how scary trials work right?!? We had seen others walk through hardships, sudden illnesses and accidents, and it always seemed like everyone recovered quickly. I am sure there were people that suffered long-term pain or battles with cancer or other diseases, but at the age of 25, those types of things were not what our friends were experiencing. With that, we headed into our trial with a thought that life would get better around the next turn. Well, that turn turned into a long and twisty road. We kept praying for our doorway out and believed with all of our heart that it was coming. We were supported by our friends and families. We received cards, financial donations and phone calls and were told countless times that God was going to heal me. It helped us endure a lot during those first seven months when I could only eat a specific kind of chicken and drink a specific kind of water, when we received no answers from the countless physicians we met with and when we left everything we had in Nebraska to move to Arizona to improve my health as suggested by a physician.

I remember sitting on a little igloo cooler with my husband surrounded by boxes right after his parents and sister left to go back to Nebraska thinking what in the world are we doing here. However, since we were both firstborns and not ones to wallow or let boxes stay sitting there unpacked, we began to tackle our big "to do" list and started trying to make Arizona our home. We were in coasting and survival mode and it was working, but we were getting tired very quickly.

It was about 4 months later when we heard about a healing conference taking place at a local church. At that time, we were desperate. My chemical sensitivities and allergies had increasingly become worse and our world was getting smaller and smaller. We had no answers from any physician as to why I was so sick and seemed to be on a downward spiral. Brian was working two jobs to help make ends meet and we were visiting the doctor's offices and hospitals off and on for heart issues, horrible flushing episodes (the kind where you feel like you are going to pass out) and allergic reactions. The bills were piling in, and I was starving as my food choices were dwindling by the day. We needed a way out. In our minds, we were SO done with this trial (or so we thought). So, when we heard about the conference, we jumped at it. Within a short time, we came to the conclusion that maybe this was why God sent us to Arizona. We were ecstatic. We read scripture and felt the Lord speaking to us and guiding us to go, so we went. I was prayed for at the end and as you might expect, nothing happened. Now that in itself should not effect this upcoming opportunity, but it was our mindset at the time that threw us into kind of a tailspin (well, more me than Brian because I tend to be a tad emotional, lol).

You see, when nothing happened at that conference, I was devastated. I struggled with belief, wrestled with pain and hurt all the while trying to pound into my small brain the truths that I know about God instead of caving into the tidal wave of emotions that I was drowning in daily. It was a fight within and it lasted a LONG time. I switched into obedience mode when it came to my faith. I did the right thing, said the right thing and never dropped my faith, but my heart was so full of discouragement and devestation that I kept God at arms length. In obedience mode I looked at scripture, read about biblical miracles and even heard and saw modern day miracles. I believed that God could heal, but where the gap fell was whether or not he wanted to do it for us.

I will be the first one to say that I definitely don't "have a right" to be healed. It's by God's grace and sovereignty that those types of miracles take place. However, I guess, over the years, I just gave up on the fact that He wanted to do it for me. God was silent (or so I thought), and I was obedient. I knew the right things to say and even believed them, but when it came to the topic of healing and my health, I ran away out of fear. I just couldn't imagine going through the devastation and disappointment of the possible "No" or "Not right now" once again. Five years came and went, and I never quite recovered until the last year or so. That was when I came to the realization that if I ever was going to go somewhere and have someone pray over me, my heart would have to change first in preparation.

So, I have spent the last year wrestling and working on heart issues in this area. I wouldn't say that I am 100% there, but I feel a lot better about it than I did a year ago. I think there is still a "faith gap" when it comes to whether or not I believe God would do it for us; however, all we need is faith the size of a mustard seed right?! Recently, Brian and I listened to a sermon where the pastor was talking about the paralytic outside the gate who comes in contact with Peter. He asks Peter for money and Peter obviously doesn't have any; however, he says that he can give him something better and tells the paralytic to get up from his mat and walk. The pastor's point was that as far as he could tell, this man did not have extreme faith before he was healed. He was just obedient. I think that was another road block that I kept coming to. I guess I kept putting it off because I felt like my faith wasn't strong enough yet; however, guess what?!! It's not about me or my faith, it's all about God and what He wants to do. As Brian would say quoting from the Chronicles of Narnia, "He is not a tame lion".

Here is the link to the Sermon if you want to hear it...it was really good! You will need to look for the title of the sermon as this link only goes to their podcast home page: "Vintage Us - God Heals"

So where does that leave us? Well, we have decided to go have people pray over me on Saturday, January 22nd. I know, it sounds funny to plan it out like that, but there is an awesome church that has prayer teams two Saturdays a month who pray for the sick. As with all of our trips and adventures (even if they are in-town), we have to call ahead and let them know of my chemical sensitivities, and especially in this situation. It's one thing to be sitting across the room from someone who has cologne and perfume on (I have about a 10min to 15min window if that happens); however, it's a totally different scenario if I am one foot from those individuals (I would have about 1min of tolerance before we'd have to leave). So, people have to be warned that I am coming (if Brian was here he would make some sarcastic remark, lol).

I guess I share all of this so you can be praying for us. This is something we don't normally do (growing up in a completely non-charismatic background), but we feel God pushing us down this path. However, this time, I can say with confidence that if the result is "No" or "Not right now", I am okay with that. I trust in the Lord's sovereignty and would rather be ill and in the center of His will than healthy and in a place He does not want me to be. Do I have enough faith to be healed? Hmmm...I am not sure, but it's not about me. It's about God and what He wants to do. I do know that we serve an amazing God who knows no boundaries. His power is far greater than anything our minds can comprehend, and I have complete trust that His will is perfect and will unfold for us in His timing. However, with that said, that doesn't mean that we wouldn't appreciate everyone's prayers for this day. Please pray for no reactions and most of all that we would experience God in a new fresh way whether that is through a super-natural healing or just a touch by the Holy Spirit.

Okay, there, it's out there. Now you know and now I have accountability to actually go that day. :) I will be honest with you and admit that I am nervous, but it's a nervous excitement just to be taking a step of faith even if nothing comes of it.

Onto a quick a update...We have been working with my local NMD to order all of my IV supplies, and I can say successfully that we have located and ordered all of them. The manufacture that makes the Heparin Flushes that I use is out of stock until mid-year, so I am going to have to use a different kind for my port. Please be praying for no reactions as I HAVE to have Heparin in my port at the end of each day that I do infusions so that it does not clot. Also, we are going to have to change our April appointment with my Lyme doctor in San Francisco because of Brian's work schedule. This office is extremely busy, so please be praying for a smooth transition to another day.

Another change for me is that I am going to have to go back to work. It's a home-based job where I tutor South Korean students in English 3 to 4 hours a day.  I loved my job before, and I am excited to get back to teaching, but I have NO IDEA how I am going to do this on top of treatment on top of taking the two hardest classes of my master's degree. I am pretty overwhelmed just thinking about it.  However, to be able to continue to afford my IV's (since our insurance is no longer paying) and our trips to San Francisco to see my Lyme doctor, I have got to bring in some money.  I have to go to school full-time this semester out of financial necessity (it's a long story, but feel free to write me personally and ask me if you are curious).  It's just a rotten place to be in; however, I know God has the power to sustain me through it and boy will I be relying on Him on an entire new level.

I have not been doing good health-wise lately. I think it's because I have only been on oral amoxicillin as we have been trying to line up all my IVs; however, I have had a lot of neurological symptoms surfacing (some old and some new) and also a ton of nausea and dizziness. I think the "electric shock" sensations are the craziest. It literally makes my head or limbs jerk (depending on where it travels) and no I am not touching an electrical outlet when it happens. :) I have also had extreme fatigue and a lot of joint/bone pain. I am not too surprised since I have been off IV for about 3 weeks now, but it's never fun to have to deal with all of the rotten symptoms. Hopefully, we will be able to start IV up again in the next week or two. I am just waiting on all of my supplies to be shipped. Who knows...maybe God will heal me, and I will be able to donate all of those supplies! :) Finally, please pray that I can continue to get on the medications and supplements that my new doctor has me on. We have had 2 unsuccessful attempts, but have a few more to try. It's hard not to get discouraged because some of these things would really help me if I could take them, but again, God is in control and He knows what my body needs and what it doesn't.

Well, this has turned out to be REALLY long! I hope in someway that this post will minister to others or maybe encourage others to take that step of faith. I know what it's like to wrestle through the pain and hurt, but God is always faithful especially through "Faith-Stretching Prayer".